It’s 2 AM, you just walked 1.5 miles to McDonalds, and not only have they stopped serving the dollar menu, but now your broke, exhausted, and have to walk back. 3:30 AM. You made it. But now your food is cold. What do you do:
What you need:
- McDonalds
- Hamburgers
- Nuggets
- Fries
- Apple Pies
What you should have:
- Air Conditioning/Heater unit
- Coffee maker
First off, turn on the coffee maker, but remove the pot and don’t put water in it. Then blast the heater on high and place the McNuggets (in their box), fries (in the bag), and two boxes of Apple Pie on the vents. This should warm them up nice ‘n’ American style and all. While that ‘food’ is heating, grab a couple fries, break them up, and rub them around on the hot plate part of the coffee pot. This is to lube it up, because I’m assuming the kind you have in your suitcase is not made for cooking.
Next, remove the hamburger and put it on the hot plate. If you want to get crazy you can take the damn thing apart and do it like that, but thats messy. And difficult. I recommend just heating the bun with the whole thing together. The burger itself won’t be that warm, but when you bite into it your toungue hits the bun first, tricking you mouth into thinking you have a hot meal. You don’t even have to flip it over and do the top, because hey, you’re not eating it upside down (thats a whole different post).
By now your McNuggets, fries, and pies are probably pretty toasty, so grab them, crank up the A/C, and feast on McD’s like it’s armageddon.
Old/New Pizza
Hate waking up, nothing to eat, no cereal, no eggs, just pizza from some party 2 nights ago. That hasn’t been refrigerated. You could microwave it, but that just makes the sauce burning hot, the crust cold, and the cheese all shitty. You could put it in the oven for 15 minutes, but being a buisiness man myself, I sure as hell don’t have that kind of time.
What you need:
- Old pizza
What you should have:
- Toaster
Take the toaster and flip it on its side, so the slots look like you could load cd’s into them. Instead, load a slice of pizza in there, cheese facing up. Make sure the pizza stays in all the way in while you push the toaster thing down. Toaster temp should be on whatever you normally use.
Now, you have to watch this, because if you wait too long, cheese starts dripping all over the heating wires and causes a fire. The whole process doesn’t take long, maybe 30 seconds to a minute. It is going to smoke a little though, because chances are you haven’t cleaned the crumb tray out ever and the left over shit from your Toaster Strudels is getting burned.
Pop the handle up and your pizza is hot out the brick oven fresh.
BONUS:
While the toaster is still sideways, put your plate in front of it, so when you hit the cancel button/pop up the lever, your pizza shoots out and lands perfectly on the dish. Always an impressive move when the girl you met last night asks for breakfast.
Crackpan Jamboree
Rough week, your wife’s a bitch, and maybe you drank a little too much tonight. But damn, you’re hungry, and back at your apartment, alone, and hungry, and theres only one fucking egg. Shit, no groceries/lean pockets/candy, I feel like a homeless person. Wait, sorta got some stuff? No problem
What you need:
- An egg
- Half a tomato/vegetable
- Half a red onion/vegetable
- Ham/other redish meat
- Some butter
What you should have:
- Non-stick pan
- Stove
- Plastic spatula
- Knife/Fork/Plate
- Salt/Pepper
Fire up the stove to 3/4 heat and place the pan on the burner. While this heats up, cut up the vegetables. All you really need are two halves of any vegetable. I happend to have 1/2 a tomato and 1/2 a red onion. They tasted pretty ok together.
When the pan is sort of hot, toss some butter on there, and you sliced up onions. Let them cook down a little, maybe add more butter/salt/pepper. When the edges start carmelizing, put some tomato slices. They will take less time than the onions. Also add the ham next, overlapping it with the onions and tomatos. In a couple minutes the ham should look kinda brown-ish on the edges. Thats probably good. Add salt and pepper, unless you have too much sodium levels. You can also add a little oregano or ground hot pepper/garlic/any seasoning. Mix stuff around, and crack open the egg into the middle of your concotion. I hope you like sunny-side up, because you really don’t have a choice at this point.
When the egg looks edible (yellow yolk looks firm/clear stuff looks opaque white), everything’s done. Grab your plate, and it shouldn’t be paper cause this recipe took too long to deserve that. Slide the whole thing of food off the pan on to your plate. Done.
BONUS:
If you have a girl over while you are attempting to cook this, don’t just simply double the ingredients. Make a whole duplicate meal in a seperate pan next to your first one. Not only will this make the food taste better/create more dishes for her to wash/save math time, but she will be impressed with your multitasking abilities = sex.
Motel Cuisine (1) (Soup)
I stayed in a lot of cheapish Super 8 Motels over the last couple weeks, and frequently got hungry at night. They’re usually off in the boonies or near an airport, so if youre lucky, you might find a near by gas station to shop at. And if youre really lucky, that gas station will sell a fine bottle of Bud Ice to go with your meal.
What you need:
- Gas station
- Can of soup
What most motels supply, in room:
- Coffee mug
- Coffee pot
- Spoon
- Napkin
Obviously you have to walk to the gas station to get the soup, unless your a fucking wacko and carry it in your suitcase. Hey, whatever floats boats. While youre at the gas station, pick up some beer, its a luxury we don’t have in CT. If a strip club is near by, disregard all further directions.
Back in your room, open the can of soup, but don’t remove the lid. Strain the liquid into the ‘water’ part of the coffee pot. Add water if you couldn’t afford Progresso and got Campbells. If you have a girl over, add a little more water so the beer hits her harder. Now you have a can full of cubed vegetables. Rip the napkin so its just 1 or 2 ply, depending on its quality, or lack there of, and place that where the coffee filter would go. Dump the ‘vegetables’ on top of the napkin, and hit the power switch. Make sure the coffee pot is is under there. Drink a couple beers while it cooks.
You now have a coffee pot full of hot broth. BUT, you also have a bunch of hot vegetables as well. Remove the napkin from the filter area and flip them into the coffee pot. Soup! Pour some in a coffee mug and enjoy!
BONUS:
Most motels have actual ‘bowls’ in the lobby that they will give you if you ask. Just don’t be ugly. And while youre down there, ask if they have crackers too.
